The New Presidential BEAST

Automologist LING reports on the brand new presidential car for the next President of the United States.

So, when my colleague asked if I’d like to write about the new presidential car that was being developed for President-elect Donald Trump, my reply was “I don’t know if I want to write about his car, but I do know I’d like a car to run over him”. I shall keep my personal feelings to myself as I proceed to write henceforth.

The new car for Donald is almost ready, if a picture (above) of a camouflaged car making its rounds on the internet is anything to go by. The silhouette of the camouflaged car looks like a Cadillac body on an elongated frame, similar in size and shape to the current Beast, as the car is called.

It is believed that there are a dozen Beasts at outgoing President Obama’s beck and call. They are used in rotation and sometimes deployed to other parts of the world when the Commander-in-Chief makes foreign visits, and when not in use, they are placed under 24-hour surveillance at the Secret Service’s headquarters.

This new version has been in development since 2013, when the government sent out contracts for a new model to go into service in 2017. It should be ready in time for Donald’s inauguration on 20 January 2017. Fox News managed to dig out documents showing that General Motors was awarded three contracts and paid a total of US$15 million to develop the vehicle.

Although details of the new car is super-secret, it is sure to be packed with plenty of safety features, including bulletproof glass and armour plates, to protect the President and his family. Here are some interesting features* on Obama’s Beast (pictured below), and the new version is sure to top these: 

*none of these details are 100% for certain, because if you knew the actual specs, the Secret Service will find you and kill you.

Doors: 8 inches thick and as heavy as a Boeing 757’s cabin door. Steep overlaps seal the space between the doors and body, preventing bullets from entering.

Windows: Around 5 to 6 inches thick, and can withstand armour-piercing bullets and bomb explosions. The windows do not open, except the driver’s, which goes down only a few inches so that he (or she!) can speak to other secret service agents.

Fuel Tank: Armour-plated, of course. And surrounded by a special foam to prevent the tank from exploding. Er…why don’t we use this for every car?

James Bond-type $h!t: Tear-gas cannons on the front, night vision cameras and shotguns are some of the cool $h!t said to be incorporated into The Beast. There’s also, supposedly, stores of the President’s blood along with oxygen supply and firefighting equipment kept somewhere in the car.

Underbody: Of course there has to be safeguards in the event a bomb is rolled/goes off under the car. Speculation is that a 5-inch steel plate lines the bottom of the car.

Wheels & Tyres: Goodyear did good with these tyres, because they are Kevlar-reinforced, and are bullet- and puncture-resistant. But even if someone somehow managed to blow the tyres out, the special steel rims will still allow the car to speed out of there.

Interior: Completely sealed to protect the President from a chemical attack. It is rumoured that there is a bank-vault-type locking mechanism that further secures the car in case of emergencies.

There are four seats for the President and his family/guests. He can continue working on a foldable desk that has a secured laptop. A satellite phone links him directly to the Vice President and the Pentagon, and a panic button summons a battalion of Secret Service agents to his rescue.

Driver: Not your regular chauffeur, but a specially trained CIA agent who is capable of everything from maneuvering the car at high speeds to get out of danger to handling car breakdowns. I’m imagining a Jason Statham lookalike. 

So there you have it. A car made to ferry the leader of one of the most powerful nation in the world around. Let's hope the next President is worthy of this magnificent BEAST.